My first entrance into to church after three years was a glorious time. It felt wonderful to dip my finger into holy water, kneel and sign myself with the cross. The beauty of the church hasn’t changed since I last went. It felt that I was back at home and my first target was the confessional.

I knew the sins I was going to confess like the back of my hand. I was a bit early since I didn’t want to wait in line to go to confession. I was extremely nervous for my confession, but also extremely grateful. The priest then walked to the confessional and I prayed to God to help me make a perfect confession. When I entered, I was filled with the fire of divine love, but when I left, I felt that the fire was nearly extinguished. I was utterly disappointed with the way my confession went, not because I wasn’t honest and heartfelt, but because the priest seemed that he didn’t have any care that I found my way back to God. It broke my heart, but I was determined that he was having a bad day and that it was a test from God to see how faithful I was. I have not lost my faith in the church and I knew that God was present in me, but then I started looking at the secular people in the church.

I noticed that they didn’t really seem to emanate the love of God I have been feeling. Everyone seemed bleak and careless and that they had everything they needed. As if they had already ascended to the highest heaven and that nothing mattered anymore. I know that the saints say to always strive for greater perfection and nobody was doing that. I felt alone and sad, but I still did not lose hope and I said “I’m sure mass will be really beautiful and God will be present!” but yet again I was let down.

The mass and homily were completely disappointing and giving communion felt more like a job for people rather than a great gift of holiness. However, my drive for gaining Christ did not diminish, but was strengthened and I started asking Him “Lord! What can I do to repair you church? What can I do to help?” I felt lost, but I knew the church was all I had to get to God. The saints said that we should always rely on the church because she has everything we need to get to Him. I then received an inspiration from God that I had to be unified with Him to do any action. I realized that Pentecost was coming soon so I vowed to do a novena with prayers and mass everyday to unify myself with the Holy Spirit.