When I entered into this deep trance I was in the Garden of Olives and I realized that I was seeing everything from the person of Jesus Christ, my Lord. I understood that the death I had just

experienced was the Agony in the Garden and the suffering Jesus had to endure for my sins alone. I can’t tell you how afraid, but enlightened I was by this understanding. Jesus suffered so much for my sins alone that He nearly died in His agony. I was absolutely shocked, but there was much more to come while I saw and felt the passion of my Lord for my sins.

I saw myself in front of the guards who arrested me and I felt them strike me and mock me and accuse me for blasphemy. They spat in my face constantly wherever I was with them. It was absolutely horrible, but I saw how meek and humble I was by taking all the hits and mockery for my sins without saying a single word or even uttering a single breath of complaint. There were no sighs of sorrow, but complete peace in my soul. I want to tell you that I did not feel as if someone hit me physically, but it was the emotional trigger for the pain. What this means is that I could feel the pain without actually going through the physical act of inflicting the pain.

So I was brought before Pilate and was sentenced to be scourged. I can’t tell you how fearless Jesus was, knowing what was to happen to Him and how readily He entered into these sufferings. He almost felt excited to go and was the first one to arrive. I couldn’t believe the resilience and strength of Jesus and how I was in His person experiencing this. I remember every strike, every blow, every gash and wound the scourging inflicted. I remember how He did not even let out a single cry, but humbly clenched His teeth suffering patiently and quietly. He took every blow with the sole intent of giving me salvation. Even writing this now is extremely difficult. It bring bitter tears, but at the same time extreme gratitude towards my good Lord. He never complained once and not a single thought was stirred in Him that would be against His father’s will.

The next suffering was the crowning with thorns. The sorrow He felt during this time was unbearable. I felt how excruciatingly sad he was and even though the physical pain was impossible for a human to bear, it had no comparison with the sorrow He was feeling. My tears mingled with the blood that the crown was causing me to shed. I felt my wretchedness against my Jesus and if He was not supporting me, I would have died.

I was then transported to see myself carrying the cross. The heaviness of this cross just for my sins alone was unbelievably heavy. I saw myself falling often and barely holding myself up. I could feel every wound and gash on my body, especially the crown digging into my head. I remember meeting my Blessed Mother along the way and the look that we gave each other was indescribable. I saw Mary’s heart break and in my mind I said “Don’t look at me mother. You must leave because you are too perfect to look at my sinful state.” I understood then that when we commit sins, we look like Jesus during His passion. It’s a sight of utmost pity and sorrow that you don’t even know what to say to console them. It seems that they are better of dead then to be in that state.

The next and worst stage of His passion was the crucifixion. I saw how high up I was on the cross and often found myself looking down towards my Mother, Mary Magdalene and St. John. My feet were already about six feet high and could only be touched by stretching your arm up. When I saw myself crucified, my arms also lifted on their own and my legs were together and my knees bent. I felt violent tremors in my arms as if I was supporting my entire weight with them and then I felt violent tremors in my legs for the same reason. These tremors went back on forth for about thirty minutes. I struggle to believe how I was able to keep my arms extended for thirty minutes without break and never letting them go below my shoulders. It truly felt like the arms of the cross were holding me up. I felt myself wanting to die and give up, but I felt myself wake up and continuing to suffer for my salvation. I also remember speaking from the cross which were the seven words in order, but I very specifically remember the last two words Jesus spoke.

When I said “I thirst” I remember feeling something sour on my dry lips that burned like acid. It was extremely painful and disgusting. I understood that when I said “Father into your hands I commend my spirit” that everything would end, but even though it seemed like I let out the ghost, I was still alive and could feel. The reason I felt this is because Jesus was not dead when He was pierced with the lance. He felt the spear pierce His heart before He truly let out the spirit because it was one of the most important parts for Jesus’ sufferings for my sins. I understood when I got pierced, that I lacked immensely in love. When the spear was thrust into me, the cross shook with violence and my body was lifeless. After it was over, I thought I would be transported back to my body, but I was led somewhere else.

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